Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Taking care of baby

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Snapped on my train ride to work

I want to start reading again.  Well, I should correct that, I want to start reading books again that don’t involve how-to on baby: whether it’s making, baking, caring, or rearing.  Granted, there’s not much time to read what with the business of keeping Lil Z alive and thriving and all, but I would like something better to do on my train ride to work than stare into space.  It gets rather boring, and sometimes while staring into space I accidentally make eye contact with a fellow train rider. A big no-no for commuters in any urban area.  Read the commuting handbook and you’ll find out it is true.

I also want to get a library card.  And probably also find out where the library is located.  Because as much as I love Barnes and Noble where the air is permeated with the smell of paper and caramel lattes, it gets expensive to buy books.  Just recently I bought a handful of children’s books to read to Lil Z-Bear, the total: $97.85 for 4 books.  Ouch! Good Night Moon indeed. 

The books that I do own are proudly displayed on our bookshelf in the hallway; it makes people who visit us think we are smart (we are, in case you were wondering).  I make sure that the books that make us look even smarter are at eye level: that’s where I keep my Tolstoys, Gogols, and Nabokovs, Austens and Dickens, Steinbecks and Hemingways.  I also throw in hubby’s old Anatomy of the Human Body and various other medical books with scary titles to keep things interesting.  On the lower shelf, I keep my collection of South Asian writers, my collection of David Sedaris, my collection of travel books, and some selected chick lit books.  Hidden from all eyes to see in a box somewhere in a closet is my collection of romance novels.  Yes, the ones with the embarrassing graphics of dashing rakes and brazen maidens.  Because we all have our vices.

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Some humor for your Friday.  Taken from Best of Craigslist

Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me.

I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you’re male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg.

It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims.

First of all, if you aren’t a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I’ve lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind.

At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it can’t be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight.

The reason I don’t believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you’re making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I haven’t seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid.

I’ve tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying ‘It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth’ only to get strange looks in return, as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real.

Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren’t having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part.

Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe you’re practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you’re doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you’re really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don’t break into my apartment and steal my booty, or my food.

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