Our nanny is on vacation so this past week I took 5 days off to take care of Lil Z-Bear. Combine that with the MLK holiday and weekends, that is 10 days I got to spend with the cub. And I LOVED every second of it, and I can’t believe it flew by so quickly and now it is back at work.
It is great staying at home with Lil Z. The days I get to stay home with him, I practice a form of attachment parenting. I stop everything else and focus simply on caring for Z-Bear. I carry him around, give him endless hugs, kisses, cuddles and massages, don’t let him cry, and I read, talk and sing to him all day. I want to make the most out of the precious days where I am home for him.
However, I will be lying if I said that I want to stop working altogether and be a stay-at-home mom. All you SAHMs out there have my respect: It is not an easy thing to do. I know there are days I have a really hard time getting out of bed and dragging myself to work. But I enjoy working. I like to do be productive, make a contribution, and interact with other adults. And then when I come home, take off my coat and hold Z-Bear in my arms, it feels like heaven. The days I am at home I miss that moment when I come back from work and Lil Z rewards me with a huge smile.
It’s hard to reconcile the guilt of a working mama for leaving the baby combined with how terribly I miss the baby with the need and desire to go out and work. I have shed a tear in the bathroom at work because I missed the smell and feel of Lil Z-Bear, but I have also felt a sense of relief at getting dressed and heading out to work after an especially long night with the baby.
I cannot help but wonder if other mommies feel the same way I do.