The working mama’s dilemma

Picture from Google images

Our nanny is on vacation so this past week I took 5 days off to take care of Lil Z-Bear.  Combine that with the MLK holiday and weekends, that is 10 days I got to spend with the cub.  And I LOVED every second of it, and I can’t believe it flew by so quickly and now it is back at work. 

It is great staying at home with Lil Z.  The days I get to stay home with him, I practice a form of attachment parenting.  I stop everything else and focus simply on caring for Z-Bear.  I carry him around, give him endless hugs, kisses, cuddles and massages, don’t let him cry, and I read, talk and sing to him all day.  I want to make the most out of the precious days where I am home for him.

However, I will be lying if I said that I want to stop working altogether and be a stay-at-home mom.  All you SAHMs out there have my respect: It is not an easy thing to do.  I know there are days I have a really hard time getting out of bed and dragging myself to work.  But I enjoy working.  I like to do be productive, make a contribution, and interact with other adults.  And then when I come home, take off my coat and hold Z-Bear in my arms, it feels like heaven.  The days I am at home I miss that moment when I come back from work and Lil Z rewards me with a huge smile.

It’s hard to reconcile the guilt of a working mama for leaving the baby combined with how terribly I miss the baby with the need and desire to go out and work.   I have shed a tear in the bathroom at work because I missed the smell and feel of Lil Z-Bear, but I have also felt a sense of relief at getting dressed and heading out to work after an especially long night with the baby. 

I cannot help but wonder if other mommies feel the same way I do.

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Storytellers and troubadors

Hubby is home babysitting Lil Z-Bear this week since our nanny is on vacation.  I am very jealous that while I’m stuck at work looking at spreadsheets, they are at home having story time followed by naptime.

I seriously think we should all have story time and naptime at work!

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Mommy moment # 17896305

I walk into the parking lot and search for my car.  I am pretty sure I parked it in this row….hmmm, or maybe it was the one closer to the ramp.  Oh, wait, there it is, there’s my car….walk closer to car…wait, no, that’s not it.  There’s a baby’s carseat in the back.  And a bunch of toys.  Darn it…where did I park…walk away from the car…and then it hits me, that is my car, because now I am a mommy.

Being a mommy doesn’t happen overnight and I will be lying if I said that I am a mommy 100 percent of the time.  Some mornings I wake up, think to myself: a quick shower, a cup of coffee and I’ll pull on my boots and head to work, and then it hits me like a pile of bricks that I have to feed/change/dress/prepare bottles/prepare meals/hug/kiss/play with Lil Z-Bear before heading out to work.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful realization.  But how funny that I can have lapses in memory that I’m a mama now.

There’s nothing quite like coming home to you, Lil Z-Bear.  But some evenings, when I come home and you are still napping, I like to kick off my shoes, lay on the couch, turn on the TV, eat a piece of chocolate and just for a while remember what it was like before I became your mama.  But one peep from you and I am rushing with anticipation to your room every time…

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